- HEADLINES: Third World Regiment No Common Sense
- EDITORIAL “Just a bunch of losers.”
- TRADE US MineZ Trade Run
- PvP Drill 106th Mass PvP Event - Local Poor people ruin Infrastructure
- DOMESTIC Calling GunOverdose: DO YOUR JOB
- FINANCE Bad Gamble - Excellent Save
- ORDERS: *
ASPERMONT, WESTERLANDS- The 501st Regiment crashed the Drill Server as the members of the 1st Regiment were away. They immediately started asking for the console to which the Directory responded with: “You just demonstrated you already fucked up with your in-game powers, and you want us to give you more powers?”
No further questions were asked as the third world regiment realized they crashed everything and didn’t even ask permission from the builders of the area they did their crazy builder privileges in.
The builders did not want to log in and see the shitshow they have caused in an attempt to blind themselves from the worst.
Irishkaiser - We all hear from the faggot ass hotshot “PvPers” flouting their
inferiority complex cheating skills and how they think everyone else that doesn’t take this game as nothing more than a brawlfest isn’t worth hearing to or having their input in the game… Or even giving the time of day to - often belittling them while they talk about how clicking their opponent to death validates their self worth. They consider others as childish or a bunch of losers, questioning their sexuality and of course, their sexual experience for some strange reason.
To which subconsciously, they would equate a person’s status in life as to his worth as a “PvPer”. We all know the cunts and we’d see the lengths they go to bullying others and or not even being true to the so called test of skill by using admin friends or clients and would play illegitimate to pursue their brag of being “gud”. In the moment they can get lost in it and consider their asinine dumbfuckery as the primal way to play the game, calling the other playstyles as the ways of kissless virgin losers… Not being specific to MineZ alone, we’re talking about Minecraft as a whole here.
Now, I want you to imagine this… Let’s say we have a PvPer. Let’s give him a name, let’s say his name is Tyler or some shit, because everyone knows there’s a 50% chance that someone named Tyler is an ass. We all know a Tyler we hate.
Tyler just got back from school with barely passing grades. He isn’t proficient in history or other social studies, but he shines in math or some shit and that’s good enough to make him pass. Let’s give him some more personality and make him more relatable - he has some troubling issues at home especially with family and he suspects he has some kind of aspergers or autism, but nobody has told him for certain.
He lives a pretty normal life, wants to get out of school as fast as he could and pines for a girl in one of his classes but doesn’t have the courage to make meaningful conversation with her. Enough about Tyler’s backstory or some shit, that seems to be the Tragedy Americana, let’s get to Tyler’s real passion: MINEZ! Though it doesn’t have to be MineZ, he could be a part time HCF player, but let’s just pretend this is what Tyler wants to play for now since he’s been deathbanned like a motherfucker because of that dirty cheating clan: ELITE ALLIANCE.
Tyler opens up his computer. He’s proud of it. He and his dad built it from some spare parts, and like any homebuilt PC runs pretty good for its price range. He has quite expensive accessories however, like his headsets and mouses. Tyler just got back home and his mother is only starting to cook dinner… They’ve had fights before just yesterday so he doesn’t even greet her, but it’s best to let them both cool off from their last heated argument. Sides, Tyler doesn’t want to be grounded and removed from his true passion - GAMING! He secretly wants to be a professional gamer some day… Hahahah… Sad.
Tyler logs on to view his messages. His Discord messages stream with shitposting and bad jokes. Glad to see that he’s not forgotten enough to be spammed, he reciprocates their generosity with even more shitposting and bad comebacks, calling his online “friends” various forms of the word homosexual.
Tyler checks his 9gag/4chan/reddit and other humor outlets. He sees plenty of political jokes and in an instant, without understanding or reading or even thinking about it - he lets a bunch of humorous pictures on the internet lecture him on the economy, race relations, politics and religion. Tyler feels very smart for not forming a single independent opinion on his own. It takes time and effort to truly understand the world around you and Tyler has no time for that. He relies on shitposting to teach him how to think how to eat and how to breathe. Some of them were jokes and or pranks and he fell for them, but nobody else knows that!
Tyler’s finger twitches. He wants to play some vidya gaymen. He sees his Steam list. A huge plethora of games his allowance/shit job budgeted him from all the Steam Sales. Some he only played once because he bought it on impulse, others never at all. He’s a competitive type, he plays to win… He knows this… And he wants a game that will truly sate his need to dominate… He knows what to play tonight. MINECRAFT.
Tyler logs on. Though adept at math, he forgets how many days it has been since he’s been banned on a HCF server. He logs in. Damn. One more day. Tyler could have sworn they increased his ban limit.
He goes for the next best thing: MineZ!
He doesn’t remember where his account - buzzy - was last logged off… He owns a lot of accounts. He is proud of himself. Even though a lot of these accounts were just given to him after begging like a bitch or even taking them from an alt list, which resulted in half of his accounts being banned for being hacking or being hacked.
Finally remembering where “buzzy” was last logged off. He joins his clan Deus Ex Machina(or “DEM” for short, clever name!) who were also logged off in the exact same spot: Al Hasa! How could he forget!
He finally gets to join this elite team of musical connoisseurs with similar backstories or insecurities, whose videos are filled with nothing but victory and never a single defeat - of course! Always cut your deaths, was an unspoken clan rule.
DEM logs in Al Hasa, they instantly get slowness. In an instant they start running around like a bunch of headless chickens. Confused that they do not see anyone in front of them except their own asses, for a moment they were unnerved. Finally, one of the DEM guys finally got something.
“I SEE TWO ON MY RADAR!”
Perfect. They outnumbered them. Of course DEM hated being outnumbered, but freaking loved it when they outnumbered. Oh and also hated everyone else who cheats. They don’t cheat… Sides, how could they really prove that their friend is a cheater? Even though they practically bank with 100% certainty that guy is always right where players are. Better mute the audio on the recording though with some electronic jammers(dubstep/trance/electronic music). Don’t want anyone else to get the wrong idea that they’re cheaters. Reputation is important. Why be honest about your true skill level when everyone’s bragging about their skill level and calling everyone else bad? There’s more “honor” in being a dirty fucking cheater and not being caught.
“OH MY GOD DUDE I’M TOTALLY WRECKING THIS GUY”
“IS THAT ARVERIN? OH MY GOD IT’S THAT ROLEPLAYER! GET THAT KID!”
Ecstatic shouting filled the Teamspeak as DEM literally went fucking wild and nuts as they had the opportunity to defeat someone who they knew were literally below them in skill level. They ignore all the other times they were beaten by the roleplayers though and pretend it never happened, or else the other clans would laugh at them!
“HELP HELP HELP HELP” says one of their members
“OH MY GOD DUDE WHERE ARE YOU.”
buzzy, our lone hero, instantly comes in to save his friend. Nice. He saved him, but his low attention span instantly allowed the opponent to get away.
“I’M LOW. I GOTTA POT UP. GET HIM.”
“I LOST HIM. WHERE IS HE?”
“HE’S HEADING TO SHORT BRIDGE.”
They immediately started rushing to short bridge. A bow battle ensued. Even with superior numbers, they were reluctant to push up. None of them wanted to die and appear in a montage telling them just how bad they were. The ego was the most important part in a fight. A bow shot managed to kill one of their opponents. The entire teamspeak roars.
“HAHA! DUDE HE’S SO BAD!”
“OH I KNOW!”
“HE’S SUCH A VIRGIN!”
They immediately dispatched their last opponent.
“LOL! THEY ARE SUCH FUCKING LOSERS!” buzzy said “I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW EZ THEY WERE… OH MY GOD! GET REKTD!”
As Tyler acquired the loot, he knew exactly what to say to such valiant outnumbered opponents who tried their best:
“(from buzzy:) L”.
His private message was taken up by the others and they sent the same damn thing.
Pleased with himself, buzzy logs off as his mother called. It’s time for dinner.
Deus Ex Machina celebrated killing the ez cunts by reminding themselves of their superiority with cropped screenshots from gyazo just to hide exactly how many they had.
They also felt better by telling each other just how much worse it must be to be the other guys. They then went back to shitposting and spamming porn links and messages on each other. Some of them were even DDoSed… By their own clan.
Whatever everyone else thinks of them, they at least were generally about 16-18 years old, so that made them… Not kids… They despised kids and children… Those guys of course, were just a bunch of losers. Not like DEM and other PvPers like them.
As Tyler logs off, one can see that through all that excitement and dick-waving about his maturity levels, his computer screen just shows that he was just playing Minecraft. Fucking Minecraft.
Not Dark Souls, not CS:GO, not even League of Legends or Overwatch or any of the other actual competitive games. But fucking Minecraft. That’s right. All that… For fucking Minecraft.
The Directory proudly announces that it has delivered
2 Chain Sets
2 Iron Sets
1 Smite Sword
1 Iron Sword
1 Diamond Sword
1 Power I Punch I Bow
in value exchange for
26 Health Potions
No Company-Wide drills were conducted because the 501st regiment crashed the Drill Server while Irishkaiser and Avver were away.
Be advised that everyone is conscripted for War Games next week.
I didn’t have to bother my assets, Gun. I didn’t have to go on the side for you to JUST LET IT ROT AND GIVE YOU ACCESS, GUN. I DIDN’T DO THAT FOR NOTHING, GUN. WHERE MY VIRTUES INDUSTRIES SPECIALISTS AT.
A bad gamble was thrown in by the Clan [?] Bank in a desperate attempt to make up for the lost six weeks of opportunity. The supposed breakout did not happen last week and unfortunately for the entire week a net loss seemed imminent. However, a sudden rise and huge spike saved what could have been a loss and the Clan Bank gained 1%.
St.Veracity commented: “Welp, we can at least afford to treat everyone else fishballs.”. The Clan Bank has reached about 41% of its total goal, which could have been 50% by now had Spyware regained access to the bank and its assets FOR SIX BLOODY WEEKS.
1) War Games Next Week
THE ^[?] ^EMPIRE, ^THE ^COMPANY’S ^OFFICIAL ^NEWS ^SOURCE ^AND ^PROPAGANDA ^TOOL. ^AW ^YEAH
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