HEADLINES: GAINS COMPETITION EYED BY 1ST AND 29TH REGIMENTS TO ENCOURAGE HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE IN THE UTC
ASPERMONT, WESTERLANDS - A discussion in Buffalo-Wings sparked returning interests in the UNKNOWN [?] Trading Company’s encouragement of a healthy lifestyle last week when boyevaya posted his nice gains, brah. In the past, the Company used to encourage minimum exercise when the 222nd Old Guard Regiment had a rule about doing 10 push ups after every death. This mindset of a healthy mind combined with a healthy body has been well kept by its descendants that it has unfortunately no longer become a something that has to be spoken and was eventually drowned out when other issues became a priority. Imperial Citizens and or Friends of the Company also have stressed the need for healthy living when OneZedArmy reminded everyone to at least do sports.
The “gains, brah” image served as inspiration to maybe have a gains competition and revitalize fitness and health in the Company. Members of the 1st and 29th Regiments discussed it over two days, as both regiments had a history of fitness such as the 29th sending each other snapchat pics of their naked bodies and telling each other how they could kick each others' ass or something and the 1st Regiment descended from the Death = Push Up regiments. Their discussion revealed that in a hypothetical tournament of fitness in the UTC, problems would soon rise as to its implementation.
The basic proposition was to begin shaping one’s body in the course of a 3-month period, but then others were already far fitter and had a head start such as boyevaya who has a strict regimen and discipline to maintain it. Others such as boonut who only let himself go said that maybe he could compete with boyevaya.
Then there are other aspects of fitness such as Shrauger’s POWERFUL LEGS. Legs so strong that could radiate energy but is not at all equivalent to upper body strength that could crush Shrauger’s legs… Poor Shrauger’s legs.
Setting people up into leagues of fitness and have them compete each other or interchangeably may also be a bit complicated but solves this, however not much has been fleshed out or developed yet.
Even if this does work, what constitutes a winner? Aesthetics? Some people find those overly-sized muscle monsters as absolutely abhorrent and only abide by OTTERMODE. Lifting non-standardized weights on video? Ok, then what? Running around in a non-standardized environment and climate?
One of the fitter members of the UTC that is a current member of the Bundeswehr suffered exponentially when he came to the humid climate of the Philippines and was defeated at the climb back up because the air was so heavy. We joked about his “jungle warfare” experience grimly still.
There are many of aspects of physical fitness. Power, Endurance(both cardiovascular and muscular), Flexibility. I know some fat guys who can literally do a split. Does that make them fucking fit? I don’t know.
Finding a mechanic that constitutes a “winner” will be the most difficult, but if I have this sorted out, ya’ll niggas better get ready cause I'ma bring on the hurt.
EDITORIAL - Infiltration of Socialism in the UTC
Irishkaiser - Certain aspects of the UTC have been infiltrated with socialist thoughts that have threatened to set a precedent on our very freedoms and rights that was granted to all Company Members and are inalienable to them.
It all began when the author posted a Shadman Tweet concerning the French animation Miraculous: Tales of Lady Bug and Cat Noir in Hillguards. Though pornographic material had been posted there in the past, two members of the Company stepped forward and insisted upon its removal citing that the Imperial General Staff should only be for serious stuff. The author’s immediate defense was that it was never the case in the UTC’s entire history and to do that would be to set a precedent that would trigger a slippery slope on the slow removal of every Company Members' rights.
A third came in and sided with the SOCIALISTS whom I will now call KARL MCMARX as he never confirmed or denied to be named in this editorial, sharing the opinions of the SOCIALISTS and thinking that the author was overreacting.
The author explained that never in his entire career did he suppress anyone in the Imperial General Staff for shitposting or posting pornographic material, only stopping people from derailing important topics, but never did he use any admin authority to suppress off-topic banter and whatever citing the protection of the fundamental right of freedom of speech and the air which is carried by EVERY COMPANY MEMBER in ALL of the Company’s Institutions.
Another prosecution of the accusers was that it would endanger them in real life work and school afraid of literally being kicked out or some shit(I still cannot believe this as a non-American) for which the author argued that common sense and professionalism dictates they do not then look into it under burden of IRL duty. Even Karl McMarx agreed on this part where professionalism is on the issue of the people here and not the institution of Hillguards, but he still argued that the Imperial General Staff is supposed to be only for super serious stuff.
The author then countered and asked the prosecutors what “pornography” or “lewdness” was, in a question he knew that even US Supreme Court had problem defining and true enough, the prosecutors had trouble defining it, even contradicting each other on what constituted pornography when the author posted this image of three topless Zulu Women.
One said it was pornographic and lewd, while another said that the image itself is totally fine because it was a documentary and scientific context. The author quickly pointed that out that even then, those two could not agree and so what would then stop a tyrannical arbitrary moderator from removing perfectly fine discussions about biology. Would words be considered pornographic? Etc. etc.
Moving on from definitions and instead arguing by example, one prosecutor then asked how would Irishkaiser, the author, feel if the Imperial Assembly was posted with shitposting or off-topic since the Company Member had an inherent protected right.
The author simply called them all hypocrites for they too have shitposted in the thread with proof of all three participating in off-topic banter in the Imperial Assembly but was never stopped by Irishkaiser as he had recognized their rights.
Eventually, a compromise was agreed on. One just blocked Irishkaiser’s(and eventually boonut just because) posts so he could hide just in case it was LIFE THREATENING, another submitted to the rights of members but asked personally from Irishkaiser to never directly send him porn again for which Irishkaiser agreed upon his honor so as long as the Rights of the UNKNOWN [?] Trading Company were not threatened in this regard.
Karl McMarx was in a bit of a pickle, as he actually wanted to side with protecting UTC’s rights, but found Irishkaiser to be so insufferable that he inadvertently argued FOR the Socialists. This is where the real Socialism starts.
During the argument, Karl McMarx stated that author simply did not and refused to understand the perspective of the SOCIALISTS because of he was “rich” or some shit and that rich people just don’t get it man cause they spoiled, man. They don’t know what it’s like, man. This rallied the Socialists to it for a moment but then Irishkaiser pointed out that Karl McMarx not only used an ad hominem, but used “PRIVILEGE” as an argument. Literally, could imagine him screaming “WHITE PRIVILEGE” at Irishkaiser.
The author then pointed out his history of defending the marginalized and unfairly treated and that the poor were just as bad as the rich and that the rich fight each other just as much as the poor and they too marginalize. Plus, where the fuck is the middle class? Nigga what? Do the middle class not exist? I’m technically speaking middle class, bro. Fuck you. We wuz burghers and shit.
Karl McMarx later said that he only said that because, he was angry at how stubborn the author was about posting porno in the Pentagon or some shit and combined with mild jealousy at his lifestyle prompted him to blurt it out. He apologized for the remark eventually, but it was too late. A very socialist idea that gained acceptance without a second thought had shown itself. Immediately. Against individual rights and liberties, we readily accepted that argument in order to take away our freedoms.
Irishkaiser then asked Karl McMarx a loaded question: “Why should we punish those who fiercely defend our rights?”
Which was in allusion to the socialist demands of a redo of an event during the Commonwealth Games just because those who prepared for it prepared for it and those who didn’t make it(by choice, if I may add) refused to come.
People in the UTC readily accepting such things will be the disaster of us. We will become just another clan with arbitrary rules based on the feelings of the Officers and Leader class… What separates us from the rest is our adherence to Rule of Law and Love of Rights. But sometimes I begin to wonder if ya’ll niggas love the big dicked government coming in and telling you how to live yo lives, nigga.
Some of you may believe that doctors and engineers where a lot come from wealthy backgrounds may not have much to say, especially with the poor, but I believe in the saying of one certain statesman who once said:
“I do not just want the rich to help the poor. I also want the poor to help the poor… We do not say to the haves, give something to the poor, we say: ‘German people, help yourselves!’”
TRADE - US MineZ Trade Run
The Directory proudly announces that it has delivered
Iron Armor Set
Splash II Potions
in value exchange for
A scouting ass trade run with new routes based on experiences. Ok, so far we have mapped the lag and holy fucking shit. There are HUGE ASS LAG SPIKES at around 6:00PM EST onwards and doesn’t stop until at least 8:30PM EST. I am not fucking joking. Holy mother of fuck that was some poor ass lag.
TRADE - Common Market Trade
The Directory proudly announces that it has witnessed the following goods circulated.
Iron Armor Set
PvP Drill 150th Mass PvP Event - I fight on Lag
Lag Training. Don’t hate it. Just fight it. Fight hard. Remember, the other guy is lagging too so you’re both even. NOW KICK HIS ASS.
DOMESTIC - CARGO ALT RETURNED TO OWNER
It crossed the broad Midmap in the brave [Username].
On the sands of Portsmouth, they entered into hell….
And on those bloody beaches, the first of them fell…
Enlist you Tenland Regulars, and come follow me!
DOMESTIC - 93RD REPORT TWO ELECTRIC FUCK YOU
Irishkaiser received a report on the status of the 93rd noting its enthusiasm, but lack of professionalism and at the very least… Old ideas of “discipline”.
One Company Member was exonerated from disciplinary measures however when he “forgot” to join a Dungeon Run that he promised to go to. Irishkaiser personally exonerated because he was doing other state-sanctioned work at the time from which he bore witness, particularly one in the… “Anime” department.
You know which one and you know who you are.
Also, what the Directory was proud of however was when one guy wanted to return to the 93rd but was straight up refused, even using terms like “Slithering back into the 93rd” or some shit because. This was taken warmly by Irishkaiser who said “at least they have a backbone right now”.
Which is a start, I guess.
DOMESTIC - K-ARSENAL INCREASES EMPLOYEES AND EXPORTS
K-Arsenal has increased its amount of employees. You can ask other than two guys for some of that good good Splash IIs and Golden Apples. Remember to keep 1 Battle Inventory Export Model in each inventory for sale though.
DOMESTIC - MINEZ’S REDUCED SERVER MAKES COUNTER-HOPPING AND HOPPING TACTICS MOOT
Who cares, really?
DOMESTIC - STRATEGIC BRIDGE AND NEW SUPPLY LINES MONOPOLIZED BY K-ARSENAL
The strategic bridge has proven vital to K-Arsenal exports abroad with Battle Inventories and other basic goods like buttons and tools passing through it and shit.
FINANCE - WE’RE BACK, BABY
But we gained nothing. What did we lose..? Nothing. What did we win? Also nothing. Fuck me.
1) TRADE RUN NEXT WEEK
THE [?] EMPIRE,THE COMPANY’S OFFICIAL NEWS SOURCE AND PROPAGANDA TOOL. AW YEAH
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